A grim fairy tail

alx · Wanker Age: 16 Joined: 05 Nov 2006 Posts: 3301

We have till thursday to make a performance. The vage topic is fairy tales.

I wrote this to give us something to start on, but i'm not sure if its any good.

A Grim fairy tale.

Narrator “ Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
self assured princess,
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle”

Frog costumed person hops onto stage, then princess enters and sits

Frog " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

Frog and princess exit together.

Narrator “That night, after a hearty meal
of lightly grilled frogs legs
with onion cream sauce
the princess fell asleep by the fire.”

Princess comes on yawns then go’s to sleep.

The king and queen enter.

King “Awww, my little darling”

Queen “I bet she hasn’t done her homework”

King “Why ?”

Queen “Well last week I got a call from her year 7 English teacher telling me she’s very behind on her homework”

King “Well she can’t be that far behind”

Queen “She’s just left university”

King “ oh”

Queen “And she’s cheeky to, Last week she came up to me and she said
“Mummy is there an afterlife?”
so I said “Why do you want to know bunny”
She said “because I might need extra time to finish all the housework you’ve got me doing”

King “Well what do you suggest we do?”

Queen “There’s only one thing for it, we’ll have to marry her off.”

King “don’t you think that’s a bit drastic”

Queen “Its our only option, but how do we do it?”

King “I don’t know it’ll be hard. Her favorite saying is “marriage is not a word. It is a sentence…..a life sentence.”

Queen “There must be some one who will love her, do you remember when we first met”

King (annoyed) “How can I forget”

Queen “You said you’d go though h£ll for me”
King Smiling “And then we got married” Slightly quieter with a sad face “And now I am going though h£ll”

Queen “Do you think marriage is a lottery?”

King “No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance.”

Queen doesn't hear.

Queen “I know! We can talk about it over dinner, there’s a new restaurant opening soon in London”

Queen Drags King off stage. She looks happy and bright he looks depressed.

XD-bear · Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2007 12:06 am Post subject:

haha i liked it

definitely not youre average fairy tale

also the title is pretty funny too

then again thats just my op

alx · Wanker Age: 16 Joined: 05 Nov 2006 Posts: 3301

Scene two

Everything is still the same, princess still asleep.

Fairy godmother enters (MALE).

FG (To audience) “I’m not sure what’s more worrying, Me getting picked to be the fairy godmother… or how strangely comfortable I feel in this dress”

FG walks over to princess.

FG (whisper) princess… princess… wake up… please”

FG takes a step back (annoyed) and takes a breath.
FG “OY PRINCESS!”

Princess awakes with a start

FG “I’m sorry my dear, did I wake you”

Princess “Who are you?”

FG “I am your fairy… (godfather theme tune) GODMOTHER.”

Princess “My what?”

FG “Your fairy godmoth… they didn’t tell you did they.”

Princess "Who?"

FG "your pairents"

Princess “Theyyy must have forgotten”

FG “oh for goodness sake! Why do they never tell the children!
Ok, when you buy a car you have to insure it, incase of a accident, yes”
.
Princess “Yes.”

FG “Well it’s the same with princesses, when you were first born your parents signed you up to my company. Look.”

FG brings out a whiteboard. On it is written “Godmother Enchantment & Equilibrium Corporation” Under it “For all your magical needs.”

Princess “So my parents signed me up to the… godmother enchantment & equilibrium corporation”

FG “Yes.”

Princess “My parents signed me up to… geek, That is so typical.”

FG “Every time, every damn time without fail. Here I am offering royal happy endings, with free coach hire and ball gown rental
(Looks to audience) All at a competitive price (smiles at audience then looks mad again) and that’s what you pick up on first.”

Princess “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you angry.”

FG “… Its ok hunny, I’ve been having a tough time in the office.
There’s been a massive increase in unwanted teen princess pregnancies and I’ve been rushed off my feet. Its just not the same as in the old days, it was easier back then.

Anyway were are we, mmm yes that was it terms of contract, I am contracted to give you one prince a fairytale wedding…A first rate honeymoon… and free dental care for the first three years of the plan. Any questions?”

Princess “No”

FG “Good, now lets pull up your records.”

Waves wand and clip board is thrown on to stage.

Princess “What’s that?”
FG “That’s your file. Ok what do we have here.”
Looks at clip board
Princess “So, you have my life on that clip board”

FG “Pretty much. Ok what do we have here, strait A student. A levels in English Math and ICT. A degree in international relations.
No criminal offences no dealings with trolls and no psychological damage.
This is really good, even snow white had that fling with the stable boy, you’re the best client I’ve had. Getting you a husband should be no problem.”

Princess “I don’t want to get married.”

FGs jaw drops

FG “Ya what now”

Princess “I don’t want to get married, I find the current social bias towards males in monogamous relationships restrictive and degrading .”

FG “Ok then… I haven’t had to deal with this before.”

Princess “That’s just the way I feel, I can’t help it.”

FG “So you don’t want a prince charming?”

Princess “No.”

FG “Princess charming?”

Princess “NO!”

FG “Well… I. I’m off now I’ll be back to discuss this matter later.”

Scene three

Queen “… and then prince Cuthbert is still a bachelor so we could invite him to the next royal ball”

King “Prince Cuthbert IS a royal ball! Anyway you don’t expect our daughter to marry him do you?”

Queen (Snooty) “Why not?”

King “He’s from Norwich.”

Queen “fine if my princes don’t mach your high standers you can find your own.
I’m off to powder my noise”

Queen storms off, waiter enters

Waiter “How is your meal sir?”

King “delicious, I particularly liked the Korean meat balls. Whats in them?”

Waiter “eerrrmm, well it’s a secret recipe”
King Sad “Oh well I’ll just have to sneak out of the castle every time I wants some”

King leans on table looks down.

Waiter “You look depressed you highness, Is anything wrong?”

King "My life is awful, the queen ruins all my fun and now she wants to marry off our daughter”

Waiter “That sounds really bad. Is there anything else on your mind?”

King “Well every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with the queen, and every night she beats me."

Waiter "Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?"

King "I love the game, I'm a genius. I never lose."

Waiter looks confused. "I thought you just said your queen beats you."

King "Yes, she’s a VERY sore loser”

Queen returns

Queen “Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?”
Waiter looks at the soup for a second
Waiter “It looks to me like the breaststroke, your highness.”
Queen “Take it a way and bring me a new bowl!”

Waiter picks up bowl and leaves

King “your so picky! Now I bet he thinks were snobs, couldn’t you just have eaten it anyway?”

Queen “You’d just eat anything wouldn’t you!”

King “Is this about my weight again? I told you i'll start exercising as soon as I get into shape.”

(Waiter peers round corner)

Queen “Are you still going on about that? I only said you could lose a few pounds that’s all. Any way I had an idea while I was in the bathroom.”

King “What is it?”

Queen “Why don’t we just lock the princess up in the old tower, she’s out of our hair, and if anyone rescues her then they can marry her.”

King “So it’s a permanent solution, once she’s gone she’s not coming back?”

Queen “Yes perfect isn’t it.”

King “Yea … I guess”

trackrunner45 · Member Age: 17 Joined: 09 Jul 2007 Posts: 10

I love reading short stories and this is really good. Keep writing.